How to spot a bastard by Sebastian ‘and I should know’ Belmont

  1. Don’t trust a man who only calls you ‘Sexy, Hot Lips etc’ and never by your first name. Chances are he’s got so many other women on the go he only sticks to terms of endearment in case he calls one of you by the wrong one. Happened to me once, luckily the en-suite bathroom had a sturdy lock on it. She soon got over it.
  2. If his phone is always switched off last thing at night and first thing in the morning, don’t believe him when he says he needs his beauty sleep. He’s probably just taken some lucky lady to heaven and back. I’ve been there a few times myself…
  3. You always go back to your place, not his. Forget the excuses about not having time to tidy up, his wife/live-in-girlfriend probably wouldn’t like it.
  4. If he does pay for you, it’s always on his company credit card. That way he can write you off as expenses and the other half won’t find out about the cosy dinner for two at Le Gavroche.
  5. Speaking of restaurants, never trust a man who insists on having the seat facing the door. It’s not that he can’t stand that dodgy oil painting on the wall behind or that he needs to stretch his legs (my personal favourite, it makes me seem taller), he’s just on guard for an awkward meeting with his other fillies.
  6. When he calls, it always comes up as ‘private number’ as he only calls you from work. A true bastard guards his mobile number as fiercely as a Scotsman’s purse strings.
  7. He guesses your bra size correctly on the first date just by looking. It happens to be a little trick of mine; you’ve either got it or you haven’t. I have, obviously. Took years of practise.

A final word:

Just because I haven’t had a date in three weeks doesn’t mean old Sebbo’s lost his Midas touch. Last girl had to stay in and wash her hair, OK? She probably hasn’t called because she’s lost my number. Unlucky!

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