Posted by JoC on March 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm
- Never, ever wear satin unless you want to look like a shiny, overstuffed sausage. It catches in all the wrong places and makes even a pancake-flat stomach look eight months pregnant.
- Worried about bingo wings? To make your arms look long and lean, always put one hand on your hip when posing. It works wonders lengthening your arms and is Renee Zellweger’s trademark pose. (Not that she needs much help in that department, but I could never be such a slave to the gym, sweedies. It’s all about curves, not bulging muscles with me!).
- Do not ‘inadvertently’ flash your womanly bits; one should know the flashbulbs will cut through flimsy fabrics like chiffon. Coming out in a see-through dress might get you in the papers the next day but it’s a cheap trick. And yes Elizabeth ‘Don’t Call Me Liz’ Hurley, I am talking about you. We all know you have a fantastic pair of knockers but at the age of 44, it’s all starting to wear a bit thin (just like your outfits)
- For the same reason, always make sure your underwear colour matches your outer layer. White bra under black dress is only going to end up in shame and get you splashed across the pages of heat magazine.
- When you arrive at a do, never stand in line behind Victoria Beckham. The ex Spice Girl is known for taking hours on the carpet and eating into everyone else’s camera time. Word is she took so long posing at this year’s Oscars, one big film star* got fed up waiting and went inside without having his picture taken. This kind of defeatism will never do. You’ve glammed yourself up for the event – you may as well show off how good you look!
- I know it’s tempting, but stay off the champers until you’ve made it inside. Falling out of the limousine is so not a good way to make an entrance, and then you’ll only forget to breathe in. Even worse, think pulling a porn star pose is funny? Aim high and think glitz and glamour; we’re not in some sweaty nightclub in Luton here, girls!
- Hairy armpits, legs and mono-brows have about as much place on the red carpet as David Beckham at a Stephen Hawking convention. The red carpet is hallowed ground, so treat it accordingly. Pluck and preen yourself to perfection. (And who cares what those smelly old feminists have to say about it?)
* Gossip alert! Who is this film star, I hear you ask? I’d never be one to be so loose-lipped about my fellow thespians but let’s just say he is hunky, Scottish and has been linked to Jennifer Aniston. Oh, and his surname rhymes with ‘Rutler’… hmm? Hmm?